I feel like such a
bitch. I have so much work to be completed and its 3 am and I have to get up
early in meeting tomorrow and face all escalations what’s going on in my mind?
The stupid Netflix series 13 reasons why.
And so I need to let
this bloody thing go. And the only way it can is when I cleanse it from my
system by writing a stupid ass blog about it. So here goes, why I am so
obsessed with this not so great series:
The story is about a
high school girl- Hannah who commits suicide and leaves 13 tapes to state the
reasons why. The girl is so pretty and vivacious and can really act...and the
series has a zillion guys all various degrees of good looking and none of them
are great actors :) Main guy's name is Clay who is a nerd and can never own up
to his feelings for Hannah. And honestly he wouldn't have had any chance with
Hannah if so much shit hadn’t happened to her (she was called a slut,
ridiculed, bullied, witnessed a rape, witnessed an accidental murder and then
actually got raped herself!!!).
Anyhow....I was hooked
onto season 1 wherein you see just how much this sweet quiet nerd Clay loved
her so much & thought the world of her but he was clueless most of the
time. All the tapes and the stores were from her point of view and he felt
deeply enough about it to try and take revenge.
But damn I looooved the
second season ...because it showed that she was not a perfect person at all, it
showed the story from all the other people's angle ...how they had their own
story as well... .
As angry and confused as
he is in second season, he still doesn't understand her. Surprisingly the only
guy who somehow gets her is the basketball jock Justin (who started the rumor
about her being a slut). And so much happens and this Clay sweet guy is even
afraid to hold her properly while dancing and keeps missing cues for asking her
out or kissing her or even staying with her when she needs him. He loses his
shit when he finds out that she kissed someone or slept with someone as he
always thought of her as someone who is perfect and is again at a loss to
understand why she would do that.
Also, the love story is
more drawn out in second season even though she has already dies and there is
just single flashback scene between Hannah and clay. But Clay is now
hallucinating her and she is now in his thoughts continuously and that somehow
shows how much he truly loved her. And even though he doesn't understand her...
he is the only one who truly loves her. courageously. But not like as someone
who could say that out loud but like if he knew that she likes him or he had a
chance he wouldn't care about anyone or anything else. Whereas the other guy
she actually ends up sleeping with knew she liked him but still he didn't have
the courage to leave his friends and be with her (because he thought she had an
image and his friends wouldn't understand) ....
This reminds me of a lot
of real life experiences...like actual nice guys have no idea how to be with a
woman, or for god's sake at least say it out loud even if not to that woman.
And in real life whoever takes the risk gets the reward even if it’s not the
best man. Best man may not win but the one who dares does!
Like all the guys are
doing stuff only for the girl that they love. Except for maybe Clay .... but he
also goes public with tapes which have real consequences about another girl.
So, yeah he is insensitive but strong and persistent about getting justice for
his true "love".
Phew... a lot of things
reminded me of lot of things...and I remembered I read somewhere a guy can love
you, worship you or hate you. But never be able to like you or understand you.
Anyhow... thing is ....
the show and the scenes and the songs are stuck in my head and so yeah I gotta
flush them out like a bad dinner! so here goes.... My top heartbreaking moments
from this series:
1. Season 1: When Alex
(a guy at school comments about Clay's strange behavior): "He is just sad
OK... He loved her and she died...just give him a second." So true, can
anyone understand that kind of loss?
2. The whole of season 1 he feels so empty and helpless because with each tape he realizes what she must be going through and he really can't take it. How he reacts when he hears her address him as "Helmet" her sweet nick name for him... At beginning even he doesn't realizes how empty he is feeling...of course when he sees her side of story with all the hurt she is feeling he continuously feels like doing the opposite of what he actually did...like comforting her or telling her that he loved her.
8. His actual eulogy...
is so powerful.... I listened to it again and again and again...stuff that
stayed with me:
x
3. Season 1: Clay's
inability to ever express his feelings is the main reason why he is the last
guy she ever considers going out with. I mean even when he does make a move she
freaks out and asks him to leave the room and he does. Of course he is a good guy.
But he is - clueless. So when he hears that part of her actually wanted him to
stay in the room even if she was yelling at him to leave he imagines what he
should have told her... and finally confesses for the first time out aloud that
he = "loved her and doesn't believe any rumor about her and that he isn't
leaving now and that he wouldn't ever leave her or hurt her." And when her
ghost asks "Why couldn't you say that when I was alive?" He is so
shocked that this isn’t really happening he breaks down so sweetly and hugs
"her"... again adorable!
4. Season 1: The winter
dance for sure. So at first he relives the dance again.... slightly
differently...he asks her to dance. When she says you look
"adorable"- he in his thoughts shakes his head in a loving sad
smiling nostalgic way and says "There's that word again". And we
see in the actual flashback he is super weird about asking her to dance and his
response to her "adorable" is "There's that word again" in
a smiling and bemused way. It’s such a nice link... I mean it’s like when he
imagines some part of his brain knows she is gone and he doesn’t mind being
called adorable but in reality when she does call him that he knows that she is
using that word instead of saying something straight up like attractive or
handsome...
Also, in the imagined
flashback he so confidently dances and says to her... "I am full of
surprises.... Stick with me." and then suddenly not very sure of himself
he asks her: " Can you do that stick with me? " which she answers
yes. And in the actual situation, he doesn't put his hand on her hips like
everyone else but even after noticing he decides to put it on her waist. SUCH A
GOOD GUY. and he says to her "I am full of surprises ..stick with me
kid... " and then he is trying to remember what the exact line and asks
"stick with me? or stay with me?"...totally fizzles out Misses yet
another opportunity to kiss her!!
But by god the song! it
is amazeballs! and kind of sad... :( but amazing and on my repeat never ending
playlist ...
5. Season 2: The whole
theme of this season is where he keeps finding out about her "sexual"
exploits through all the other people's testimonies in court.
So, when he hears about
Alex pecking Hannah. He asks Alex... "Did you really kiss her?" and
then to the ghost of Hannah he is like "you kissed Justin, Clementine,
Alex..." and when she says "I kissed YOU" he impulsively and
without breaking for a breath says "Yeah I remember that - Thank You"
haha... too cute..
When he hears Ryan (gay
friend) saying she sexted Justin: He asks her hallucinating ghost..."yeah
you would say to ask Justin... Why do girls like Justin? I mean why did
you?" best sulks ever given by a guy. I think maybe I like the actor
playing Clay? God he is dumb in real life though.
When he hears about Zach
(another baseball jock...) who secretly slept with Hannah the whole summer
holidays... With tears in his eyes ...he asks her about it and why she didn't
include that in her tapes... and then with a little bit of hope asks "If I
had been in town that summer.... Would it have been me instead?" He
is so upset that she freaked out when kissing him but not when she lost her
virginity to Zach.
Side note: even though
not my favorite part I did like the awesome fact that he is reminded by Justin
(again jock enemy turned friend) that just because Hannah slept with someone
doesn't change the person she was to Clay. Isn't that true of real life? This
situation specially? suddenly when you hear about someone's private life your
whole perception of that person changes even if that person was always good to
you you can’t help but judge that.
Clay goes absolutely mad
when he hears Bryce Walker's (rapist & main villain) testimony in court. He
is again crying in his room... what a wuss but this time he is even more
desperately asking Hannah’s ghost to confirm that Bryce is lying. He is so
tormented by her memory here. It’s especially emotional. At the same time the
hallucination/memory/ghost of Hannah really becomes torture for him whenever he
feels helpless .... like he has let her down (he isn’t able to prove in court
that she was raped by Bryce or that she was really bullied by all these people)
and the rape audio tape keeps playing in his mind again and again through the
ghost. His breakdown...is particularly moving...
So, he judges her for
sure... even when he is determined to get revenge (he decides to shoot Bryce
the rapist) the whole way he keeps asking her ghost/his hallucination what was
she doing in the clubhouse with the rapist. He can’t believe it to be true but
he can’t let go of the tiny doubt that he has in his mind. The turmoil that is
shown so beautifully here. Even with the gun in his hands he keeps
hearing Hannah reciting the rape tape and keeps alternating between
assuring her that he will make Bryce pay with his life and asking her if she
actually had anything to do with Bryce.
Also, towards the end
when Justin decides to testify against his former friend Bryce because he raped
his girlfriend as well (damn that bastard Bryce) ... Justin says to Clay
"there are things about Hannah and me that you don't know... “. At that
point Clay looks up to him in such an accusing-wary-afraid of getting hurt-
mixed feeling kind of way...
Thing is ... his
insecurity ...his jealousy is very very endearing...and real.
When he tells her he
will forget about her. And then says he can’t let her go.
6. Season 2: He is so
sweet about Skye- this other girl who (becomes his girlfriend towards end of
season 1) is also into suicidal stuff like cutting herself with blades etc. she
goes into rehab after he tells her that he still hasn't forgotten about Hannah.
So when she tells him that she wants to get better and go to a different
school. He is hurt and tells her " You are going to forget me. I am just
going to be this one guy you knew one time. It’s so heartbreaking to feel his
loneliness in this scene... she replies "Clay, I can still love you and let
you go" which he doesn’t understand at that time... but wait for it....my
favorite scene...
7. Season 2: His goodbye
to Hannah. He doesn’t think he can forgive her for ending her life. and he has
to speak at her funeral. His last conversation with the hallucination is pretty
sad too... he can’t decide what he is more scared of:
Clay: - The thing I'm most afraid
of is forgetting you.
Hannah
Hallucination: - Then don't.
Clay: - The thing I'm second most afraid of is
I'll never be able to let you go.
Hannah Hallucination: - Do you remember the
winter dance? Not the slow dance, but that song where we jumped around like
idiots and looked like fools. Like absolute dorks. Clay: - Yeah. (smiles) Why?
Hannah Hallucination: - No reason. I just wanted you to think of that right
now.
"Life is divided
into Hannah and After Hannah.......But today we begin to let go.... "
"A
good friend once said to me... I can still love you and let you go...So Hannah....I love you & I let you
Go....and I miss you…"
God that’s just it
isn’t it…he misses her too damn much!! AAarrgh!!! To be in that young stage of
love…such a drug! So yeah...that sums up my blogpost... my dear 13 reasons
why... I do love you...and miss you...but i sure hope i can let you go after
rambling about it for 5 pages!
x
