I can still love you and let you go

I feel like such a bitch. I have so much work to be completed and its 3 am and I have to get up early in meeting tomorrow and face all escalations what’s going on in my mind? The stupid Netflix series 13 reasons why.

And so I need to let this bloody thing go. And the only way it can is when I cleanse it from my system by writing a stupid ass blog about it. So here goes, why I am so obsessed with this not so great series:

The story is about a high school girl- Hannah who commits suicide and leaves 13 tapes to state the reasons why. The girl is so pretty and vivacious and can really act...and the series has a zillion guys all various degrees of good looking and none of them are great actors :) Main guy's name is Clay who is a nerd and can never own up to his feelings for Hannah. And honestly he wouldn't have had any chance with Hannah if so much shit hadn’t happened to her (she was called a slut, ridiculed, bullied, witnessed a rape, witnessed an accidental murder and then actually got raped herself!!!).

Anyhow....I was hooked onto season 1 wherein you see just how much this sweet quiet nerd Clay loved her so much & thought the world of her but he was clueless most of the time. All the tapes and the stores were from her point of view and he felt deeply enough about it to try and take revenge. 

But damn I looooved the second season ...because it showed that she was not a perfect person at all, it showed the story from all the other people's angle ...how they had their own story as well... .

As angry and confused as he is in second season, he still doesn't understand her. Surprisingly the only guy who somehow gets her is the basketball jock Justin (who started the rumor about her being a slut). And so much happens and this Clay sweet guy is even afraid to hold her properly while dancing and keeps missing cues for asking her out or kissing her or even staying with her when she needs him. He loses his shit when he finds out that she kissed someone or slept with someone as he always thought of her as someone who is perfect and is again at a loss to understand why she would do that.

Also, the love story is more drawn out in second season even though she has already dies and there is just single flashback scene between Hannah and clay. But Clay is now hallucinating her and she is now in his thoughts continuously and that somehow shows how much he truly loved her. And even though he doesn't understand her... he is the only one who truly loves her. courageously. But not like as someone who could say that out loud but like if he knew that she likes him or he had a chance he wouldn't care about anyone or anything else. Whereas the other guy she actually ends up sleeping with knew she liked him but still he didn't have the courage to leave his friends and be with her (because he thought she had an image and his friends wouldn't understand) ....

This reminds me of a lot of real life experiences...like actual nice guys have no idea how to be with a woman, or for god's sake at least say it out loud even if not to that woman. And in real life whoever takes the risk gets the reward even if it’s not the best man. Best man may not win but the one who dares does! 

Like all the guys are doing stuff only for the girl that they love. Except for maybe Clay .... but he also goes public with tapes which have real consequences about another girl. So, yeah he is insensitive but strong and persistent about getting justice for his true "love".

Phew... a lot of things reminded me of lot of things...and I remembered I read somewhere a guy can love you, worship you or hate you. But never be able to like you or understand you.

Anyhow... thing is .... the show and the scenes and the songs are stuck in my head and so yeah I gotta flush them out like a bad dinner! so here goes.... My top heartbreaking moments from this series: 

1. Season 1: When Alex (a guy at school comments about Clay's strange behavior): "He is just sad OK... He loved her and she died...just give him a second." So true, can anyone understand that kind of loss?

2. The whole of season 1 he feels so empty and helpless because with each tape he realizes what she must be going through and he really can't take it. How he reacts when he hears her address him as "Helmet" her sweet nick name for him... At beginning even he doesn't realizes how empty he is feeling...of course when he sees her side of story with all the hurt she is feeling he continuously feels like doing the opposite of what he actually did...like comforting her or telling her that he loved her.
8. His actual eulogy... is so powerful.... I listened to it again and again and again...stuff that stayed with me:
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3. Season 1: Clay's inability to ever express his feelings is the main reason why he is the last guy she ever considers going out with. I mean even when he does make a move she freaks out and asks him to leave the room and he does. Of course he is a good guy. But he is - clueless. So when he hears that part of her actually wanted him to stay in the room even if she was yelling at him to leave he imagines what he should have told her... and finally confesses for the first time out aloud that he = "loved her and doesn't believe any rumor about her and that he isn't leaving now and that he wouldn't ever leave her or hurt her." And when her ghost asks "Why couldn't you say that when I was alive?" He is so shocked that this isn’t really happening he breaks down so sweetly and hugs "her"... again adorable!

4. Season 1: The winter dance for sure. So at first he relives the dance again.... slightly differently...he asks her to dance. When she says you look "adorable"-  he in his thoughts shakes his head in a loving sad smiling nostalgic way and says "There's that word again". And we see in the actual flashback he is super weird about asking her to dance and his response to her "adorable" is "There's that word again" in a smiling and bemused way. It’s such a nice link... I mean it’s like when he imagines some part of his brain knows she is gone and he doesn’t mind being called adorable but in reality when she does call him that he knows that she is using that word instead of saying something straight up like attractive or handsome...

Also, in the imagined flashback he so confidently dances and says to her... "I am full of surprises.... Stick with me." and then suddenly not very sure of himself he asks her: " Can you do that stick with me? " which she answers yes. And in the actual situation, he doesn't put his hand on her hips like everyone else but even after noticing he decides to put it on her waist. SUCH A GOOD GUY. and he says to her "I am full of surprises ..stick with me kid... " and then he is trying to remember what the exact line and asks "stick with me? or stay with me?"...totally fizzles out Misses yet another opportunity to kiss her!! 

But by god the song! it is amazeballs! and kind of sad... :( but amazing and on my repeat never ending playlist ...

5. Season 2: The whole theme of this season is where he keeps finding out about her "sexual" exploits through all the other people's testimonies in court.

So, when he hears about Alex pecking Hannah. He asks Alex... "Did you really kiss her?" and then to the ghost of Hannah he is like "you kissed Justin, Clementine, Alex..." and when she says "I kissed YOU" he impulsively and without breaking for a breath says "Yeah I remember that - Thank You" haha... too cute..

When he hears Ryan (gay friend) saying she sexted Justin: He asks her hallucinating ghost..."yeah you would say to ask Justin... Why do girls like Justin? I mean why did you?" best sulks ever given by a guy. I think maybe I like the actor playing Clay? God he is dumb in real life though.

When he hears about Zach (another baseball jock...) who secretly slept with Hannah the whole summer holidays... With tears in his eyes ...he asks her about it and why she didn't include that in her tapes... and then with a little bit of hope asks "If I had been in town that summer.... Would it have been me instead?"  He is so upset that she freaked out when kissing him but not when she lost her virginity to Zach. 

Side note: even though not my favorite part I did like the awesome fact that he is reminded by Justin (again jock enemy turned friend) that just because Hannah slept with someone doesn't change the person she was to Clay. Isn't that true of real life? This situation specially? suddenly when you hear about someone's private life your whole perception of that person changes even if that person was always good to you you can’t help but judge that.

Clay goes absolutely mad when he hears Bryce Walker's (rapist & main villain) testimony in court. He is again crying in his room... what a wuss but this time he is even more desperately asking Hannah’s ghost to confirm that Bryce is lying. He is so tormented by her memory here. It’s especially emotional. At the same time the hallucination/memory/ghost of Hannah really becomes torture for him whenever he feels helpless .... like he has let her down (he isn’t able to prove in court that she was raped by Bryce or that she was really bullied by all these people) and the rape audio tape keeps playing in his mind again and again through the ghost. His breakdown...is particularly moving...

So, he judges her for sure... even when he is determined to get revenge (he decides to shoot Bryce the rapist) the whole way he keeps asking her ghost/his hallucination what was she doing in the clubhouse with the rapist. He can’t believe it to be true but he can’t let go of the tiny doubt that he has in his mind. The turmoil that is shown so beautifully here. Even with the gun in his hands he keeps hearing Hannah reciting the rape tape and keeps alternating between assuring her that he will make Bryce pay with his life and asking her if she actually had anything to do with Bryce.

Also, towards the end when Justin decides to testify against his former friend Bryce because he raped his girlfriend as well (damn that bastard Bryce) ... Justin says to Clay "there are things about Hannah and me that you don't know... “. At that point Clay looks up to him in such an accusing-wary-afraid of getting hurt- mixed feeling kind of way... 

Thing is ... his insecurity ...his jealousy is very very endearing...and real.

When he tells her he will forget about her. And then says he can’t let her go.

6. Season 2: He is so sweet about Skye- this other girl who (becomes his girlfriend towards end of season 1) is also into suicidal stuff like cutting herself with blades etc. she goes into rehab after he tells her that he still hasn't forgotten about Hannah. So when she tells him that she wants to get better and go to a different school. He is hurt and tells her " You are going to forget me. I am just going to be this one guy you knew one time. It’s so heartbreaking to feel his loneliness in this scene... she replies "Clay, I can still love you and let you go" which he doesn’t understand at that time... but wait for it....my favorite scene...

7. Season 2: His goodbye to Hannah. He doesn’t think he can forgive her for ending her life. and he has to speak at her funeral. His last conversation with the hallucination is pretty sad too... he can’t decide what he is more scared of:

Clay: - The thing I'm most afraid of is forgetting you.

Hannah Hallucination: - Then don't. 

Clay: - The thing I'm second most afraid of is I'll never be able to let you go. 

Hannah Hallucination: - Do you remember the winter dance? Not the slow dance, but that song where we jumped around like idiots and looked like fools. Like absolute dorks. Clay: - Yeah. (smiles) Why? Hannah Hallucination: - No reason. I just wanted you to think of that right now.

"Life is divided into Hannah and After Hannah.......But today we begin to let go.... "

"A good friend once said to me... I can still love you and let you go...So Hannah....I love you & I let you Go....and I miss you…"

God that’s just it isn’t it…he misses her too damn much!! AAarrgh!!! To be in that young stage of love…such a drug! So yeah...that sums up my blogpost... my dear 13 reasons why... I do love you...and miss you...but i sure hope i can let you go after rambling about it for 5 pages!

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