Milan December 2019

It’s the season of lockdown. Sitting on our couch in front of TV the memories of our glorious trips seem to fade away. It is becoming more and more difficult to remember – which trip was it when we had that amazing tiramisu? Which hike was better- Cornwall or Lake district? Which was more picturesque – Norway or Switzerland? And so begins the story of this travelogue scrapbook- an attempt to commemorate our blunders in trying to be seasoned travellers. 

It seems appropriate also, to start the scrapbook with the tour that was our last trip. December 2019 was a big month for us. We had come back to London on general visa and were missing our families, food & Sun. I had just quit my job and the interview calls were drying up just before the Christmas season. We had decided not to go anywhere as we had just come back from India, but as the new year drew closer the wanderlust grew stronger & I on my insistence Preshit to do his magic & book the new years for us. He did & how!  

We had been to Italy before in summer of 2018 but had skipped Milan and so this seemed like a perfect opportunity to rectify that mistake. We reached Milan on 31 December and went straight to Duomo – arguably the heart of Milan. There were lights everywhere and a good amount of transport confusion due to the new year eve concert planned. Purely based on the smell & the location of this place we decided to walk into Pizzeria Caputo to treat ourselves to some wholesome Italian food. We weren’t disappointed and ate the best Potato & cheese Ravioli that even Preshit admitted to enjoying a simple veg dish. #TheLastSupper @Duomo.

We started the new year on a glamourous note & headed for Lake Como, Bellagio & Varenna. Luck wasn’t completely on our side however, as there was restricted ferries & trains service this day and we couldn’t travel on the famous Bernina express. Oh well, next time! We managed to grab an authentic Italian dinner @Trattoria la lanterna where once again I ordered Ravioli but a more traditional version– spinach & tomato basil sauce.

On our last day in Milan, we decided to explore the canal side & eat in the @La tradizionale restaurant. Funny story- the place boasted of veggie options but I couldn’t find any non- Aubergine option on menu. I decided to ask the server and he suggested a pizza with pepperoni. I explained – senza carne! And he said yes pepperoni – green pepperoni !:) seems like it was a typo/misunderstanding and they meant green peppers ( capsicum)! We had pizza with wine & took a stroll on the canal. It almost felt like Venice for a second.

The trip was so relaxing, Italy is always a safe option not only do we find a thing of beauty but also because of the plethora of veggie food options available for me. Generally, how I spend the new years eve & day dictate my new year, but this time it has been exact opposite! However, now that I look back on the trip & the state of Italy, I feel so lucky to have survived the infection. PS: This photo was taken by an Indian photographer at Duomo, we paid him in obsolete pound coins.

Shambhavi

 Kids are a blessing, Bacche man ke Sacche (kids are honest), Kids are innocent & sinless…Children make your life important!… I know and I have heard of all that and more my whole life- even so when I hear of anyone having kids- my first thought is “Your life is ruined coz you will never be anything anymore in your life.”  It isn’t that I started to hate kids at some point in my life, after all I was once a kid myself and didn’t hate other people my age- I think it’s a behavior or an acquired taste that I could never well ... acquire- liking kids. 

I am the younger child with only one elder sister, so I never had to take care of kids or deal with anyone younger to me, even cousins were mostly my age give or take a few years. We always hung out with family friends in similar situations so – yeah never.

The first time I was thrust upon the responsibility of another tiny human, was in middle school. A young mother told me & my friends to look after her son on his first day of school in the school bus.  Although caught off guard we didn’t hesitate in saying yes – simple enough right? – Wrong! It was a terrible idea! The minute the kid got into the bus he wouldn’t stop crying… we couldn’t understand what he was bawling about… at first we thought it was “ buwaaa maaaa…”- Mother? He vehemently shook his head and screamed louder, this time we thought it sounded like he was asking for --- “Indicaaaa” – Car? You are in bus baba... Three of us took turns and were pretty frustrated by the end of the 45-minute bus ride and were about to give up when a small girl came from the front of the bus towards where we were sitting, smiled and said “I am Chandrika”; the boy stopped crying, dried his own tears and made space for her to sit. I mean honestly… no idea, no respect, no acknowledgement of the kind of time we spent on him! So ungrateful… What rights do kids have? To treat adults like this? AND that’s when it hit me. I am an adult- almost. And this whole kids thing… what a waste! Why would anyone willingly put themselves up to be treated like this for the rest of their lives?

My mum said that the feelings would develop when the time came. I finished college and my friends started getting married and pregnant - left right and center- and I started to lose touch with most of them. Lost to the abyss of motherhood really, in the initial days, I used to gossip about “them-girls” with the “us” girls. But slowly and surely the gossip pool kept getting smaller and it became pretty clear to me that most women secretly/not so secretly know just wanted to be Mother Earth. With the advent of the late 90s came the great Pandora’s box- AKA the internet- I started reading more and more junk articles about women choosing career over marriage and kids and I knew which group I belonged to- well at least there was a group. And so went on with my life as planned, I did have few close brushes with these little monsters– none of which endeared them to me or vice versa. This one time a 4-year-old daughter of my friend’s that I was babysitting - as a huge favor to the awesome time we once had- decided to draw my portrait. I was intrigued and sat still for 5 minutes but whatever I was feeling was short-lived. For in her masterpiece she had very carefully replicated & placed at the exact location each and every pimple /facial mark that I had. This kind of insult, from a creature who could barely eat her own dinner. If anything, these incidents just furthered my distance with kids.

Time didn’t stand still, and pretty soon my own sister had a baby girl. I will be honest, I did my best to avoid being at her place in those initial years, but if ever I got caught maybe once or twice I have changed her diapers. It didn’t alter my thinking though. I saw her grow up even- she learnt to walk, she learnt to say her first few words, her first days at nursery. And while I admitted that my niece was quite cute actually –yes not every child is cute-  she was still a bit of a responsibility that I would soon get tired of. My mom would try her best to evoke some responsibility – if not emotion from me- “You are a Maasi, it means you are like her mother- Behave like one!” 

Then came a day - I had joined a new team, I was given a low level piece of work, I was having a throat infection so wasn’t eating properly and daily there was some or the other issue because of which the commute was just horror. I came back from office and decided to go to my sister’s house. My niece and her next door neighbor friend were running back and forth from one house to another, screaming and destroying everything in their way. I sat down in the drawing room and my sister asked me if I wanted to eat something- while she was in the kitchen, I don’t know what happened to me but I broke down and started crying on her sofa! It was so weird, I was overwhelmed and it became clear that I couldn’t stop so I was about to get up and leave when my niece came towards me and placed her tiny hand on my hand. I looked at her, with her big, suddenly mature eyes, as if she understood without my saying what was happening, a small piece of Parle biscuit in her other hand and a piece of it stuck in the corner of her mouth. I gave out a laugh & said “Its ok dear, am ok.” – But my god, she didn’t blink, she didn’t move her hand, she didn’t change her expression of understanding & empathy. Yes- it wasn’t sympathy- my niece all of 5 years old knew how I felt that day. I have no doubts about it, how else would we have sat there for so long, why else would she have ignored her friend and come and stood there with me? No- I didn’t suddenly find the religion of motherhood that day- but am equally sure that my niece without words consoled me on one of my darkest days.

I am more practiced now, if someone starts talking about their kids I start talking about my niece – and it’s a win-win – either my nieces’ accomplishments will trump their kids’ & if they don’t well then – she isn’t my child so no judgement there; I am I feel at least a little less artificial when dealing with their little ones as well. But most importantly, now more than ever, I spend some quality time with my niece. And not just pretend play but I actually play with her, fair and square win or not win. Tell her if I am bored with dolls and make sure I finish the color sketch she gives me. She is my friend now – I feel the need to grasp these moments when in her innocence I feel cleansed of the worries of the world. In the end the quotes do have the truth in them - “The soul is healed by being with children.”- Fyodor Dostoyevsky. 

All time music 7 - STs Never ending playlist

We moved to London. Yaay. We bought a TV. Double yaay.  With TV came the TV license and with that came the various advertisements. One such ad was about Mercedes electrc car and i heard this music while preparing food in the Kitchen. I didnt know who the guy was or anything but then thats the power of google - It has become my go to song. If i had been asked what's the song to signal sex, i would say - Blinded by the lights by The Weeknd

Why?  I dont really know...its the music mostly not the words so much.... but if i had any knowledge about music i would say its this raag which i love...i feel like i have heard this tune before but ofcourse i cant .... its so lively... like "wake me up...before you go...." or maybe like the bollywood song "bin tere sanam...." dont know... wish i was more musically inclined ..but till that time or till that life... here's the song :) 

Grapevine Gossip Girl. The new girl.

 

Our school has been a haven. Over the years I have tried to understand why. It is because of lack of bullies. During teenage, we girls would have been objectified by the boys. But maybe because we were the eldest or second oldest we always felt strong and would shoot down the boys if they started any nonsense. It always felt like we were in control. Then came the outsiders. A flock of new girls that changed the pattern. They brought in glamour and discontent in our quaint little village.

Most never lasted long enough. They stayed maybe a term or the ones who stayed gelled into the fabric of our school and assimilated in the fabric of our school. And became just one more part of the heirarchy. With every new addition we would see the guys go crazy fighting over her. Gradually either the girl would bend to our wishes or leave the school. Harsh but that was the rule of our small town.

However, the one that stays in mind is the arrival of a pretty Sardarni whom we all tried to put in a box. An innocent looking girl box, or the poor little rich girl box. When she got top marks in a mathematics test we didn’t know what to do with her. Should we put her in the intelligent nerdy box too?  We were flummoxed. We did see the same level of fanatic infatuation that guys used to have over “claiming” a girl. But this was different. She had come into the science section. Hate to say it- but considering we were in the studious section – we considered ourselves good looking and important. It was like this was our village/town and we were the mafias. Now there was a heirarchy still amongst us, some sort of power struggle for the position at the top. Few weeks passed and we were not able to do or say anything about her coz she was friendly too!

One extra sunny afternoon, I was hanging out with my close girl friends around the playground. Not playing but as usual gossiping about the still new for us “new girl”. We were going to have a party that weekend and were discussing what to wear. When one of my friends wondered as to what She would wear. Something yellow and black like a taxi – I said and all of us giggled. Inside my heart of hearts, I quite liked the yellow and black combination which everyone thought looked like a taxi but I felt looked like a honeybee. Another said something about her hair being ugly brown – again something I knew we all wanted because her hair shone like almost golden brown colour in the morning assembly and not rough but always smooth as if she had done keratin treatment. Someone said something about her upperlip being too hairy- I smiled and licked my own upperlip- knowing that the dig could have been on my facial hair as well because my mom had not yet allowed me to thread or wax it. Citing some causal relationship between removal of hair and pursuit of studies.  

My thought and irritation was interrupted by an annoying friend who exclaimed “The party – oh yeah… She was saying “Let me see how you guys have a party “”. Now here is when tone & punctuation matter, but what matters most is the intention of a person. My pre-conceived notions and jealousy about her immediately made me feel as if the Sardarni had said these words as a challenge – Like , “oh really… let me see just how you will have a party.”

I impulsively reacted “ What ? How dare she ? why does she think we haven’t had parties before! That’s it… I am cutting her off…” The girls were maybe a bit suprirsed but none of them said anything and from what I can remember they all sort of agreed to this plan implicitly. And so we had the party, we had fun. One of my guy friends asked why the new girl is ostracised by the girls of the class and another one bluntly explained that its because we are all envious of her. Defensively I said that she was being rude and haughty and that we don’t need to justify to the boys who are blind in love with her anyways.

Anyhow, after this the poor girl started scoring low in subjects – specially Mathematics. It also started reflecting in her looks. I didn’t feel anything for her. Nothing. Maybe because envy always been the emotion or vice that I have identified myself with the most. This went on for few weeks and then surprisingly, one day she turned up at my address. I had no clue how she got to know my address but I dare not misbehave in front of my mom and so I invited her in. She then told me her side of the story and I decided to call up that annoying stupid idiotic female who had said this in the first place. On the phone when I asked her exactly what she had the Sardarni say, she immediately accused me of passing the blame. Feeling embarrassed, caught out and humiliated – I told the silly female to keep the phone and turned to apologise to the Sardarni for the pain that I caused her.

Not so surprisingly, she was welcomed by open arms (literally) by the guys in our class. She did become an important person in our group a few years later. And now after decades none of us are in touch with her directly- again apart from some guys who still cyber stalk via Facebook.

Oh. To be young and feel the intensity of envy. Envy.

Asli Europe

Wilkommen !

What to write about Switzerland that Yash Raj Chopra has not already shown in his films. He is single-handedly responsible for hordes of Indians landing in search of their love story /song. We were no different, with aspirations of seeing the land of “Asli europe to yehi hai  senorita” we took the plunge and landed in Zurich one fine April afternoon. 

Switzerland is expensive - even other Europeans when they hear of Switzerland say its beautiful but expensive. And there are online excel sheets and websites dedicated to just the analysis and discussion on choosing the Swiss pass vs half rail pass – so we knew that planning our travel would be essential. After much research and conversations with friends ( specifically  Smruti who was as excited as we were to plan out the trip), we decided to skip the usual destinations of Rhine falls & Mt. Titlis and headed straight to Luzern. We got a free bus pass in Luzern and were using that to travel to a viewpoint that i searched on the web. It was a long walk on a private road and although the views were good, i think maybe we were too tired the first day. Our hotel was close to the attraction of lion monument which was so damn ordinary that we thought maybe the whole place is too hyped up. Don't get me wrong, lake Luzern was pleasant no doubt, very big and clear waters, with views of Mt. Pilatus & Mt. Rigi but like I said our expectations were sky high. On yet another personal note, when we were travelling on the bus there was a display of next stops and routes at the front. Preshit kept thinking for a long time inside and then finally asked why the next stop -Welkommen - is not coming! :D I told him its Welcome baba! ...

The glimpse of Blue

Our first actual tourist experience began the next day. We woke up at what we thought was early and grabbed the breakfast before catching the 10 AM Golden Pass line. It being Switzerland, even in the shoulder season we couldn’t grab the window seats (Let alone best seats which were on the right side of the train); and were feeling disheartened. We were also very late for the Jungfrau experience so were gloomy in the beginning of the journey. Now, Swiss was after Norway & Iceland, so of course we knew that it may not live up to its hype which is what we felt till the time we were in Luzern. But all that changed when we saw glimpse of Lake Brienz and its beautiful clear blue green waters from the train. I jumped when i saw it and got up to take pictures, I honestly have not seen such shade of blue mixed with such a shade of green and the result in the backdrop of mountains. It was so beautiful & i was excited as a baby seeing colours for the first time.

We changed trains in Interlaken Ost, where I have to mention almost all Indians left the station - as we planned to stay in Grindelwald. It is another small village under the shadow of mountains and we were lucky enough to get a balcony with a beautiful ‘alps’ view. The hotel was right on the station, meaning the front yard was actually the station! so it was perfect. We dropped our luggage and caught the train to Kliene Schniedegg from where we went to the next disappointment of our trip - Jungfrau.

I think Jungfrau is advertised incorrectly. Honestly, its called Top of Europe- it isn't the highest peak or mountain in the Alps- only the highest station it seems. Also most of the way the climb is inside the tunnel and so its only for maybe 30 min or 45 minutes that everything is in white. Also! never go in afternoon...which is the stupid time that we went and there were clouds every damn where and we didn't see a single thing. We didn't have any euros at that time so couldn't even hire the snow boards. So yeah I only saw Scrat stuck in the man made cave inside that put a smile on my face. 

Anyhow, onward and forward we went to the third disappointment. Alpine villages of Lauterbrunnen, Murren. Didn't have food in the overpriced Indian restaurant at Jungfrau so had potato fritters on our way back to Kliene Schniedegg- to then take a different side train to alpine villages. Lauterbrunnen is supposedly very pretty in summer, i have seen some great pics but when we went it was chilly and the snow had just melted so mountains were black rather than green. It was still very quaint but if you can compare with the summer pics i have given our early spring pics below and feel our disappointment.

 Chandini.... tu meri Chandini....

After our disappointing Jungfrau experience, we woke up really early the next day - 6:30 am? and an idea to pick the title track of Chandini as OUR song came into my mind while I was on the pot. In breakfast we had an amazing yogurt-soaked-blueberry-oats -that we are still trying to reproduce- and started walking towards the First Mountain AG station which was 5 min away. 

And so our fortunes turned when we were one of the first people on First Mountain. I copied some steps from the actual song and went a bit crazy on seeing the wonderfully white almost virgin snow displayed so close and touchable. We shot the many versions of our Love song in near-peace here, some guy tried to come in as well but it seemed like everyone knew YR Chopra and his films and politely smiled as they passed us & later shook their heads - Indians. The snow was smooth, but like the ice that forms on your freezer.

While on our way down we saw the long line to the station that extended on the road- thank god- the one thing we did right! High on the experience, we went to Schillthorn Top. ON the way there is a station called - Brig i think. There we took a break and saw the view of 3 iconic peaks - Monch, Eiger & Jungfrau. Some of the best pics and views of the trip, the view was at eye level and therefore unique perspective and viewing pleasure. The top was quite filmy no doubt- because of the whole Bond movie location... even the toilets were better than Jungfrau and themed as bond villains and girls. By the time we reached the top it was already afternoon, the sun shone on the ice and it looked so very smooth. Like a jar of paint was flowing from the top. 

 

Pushing our luck we traveled to Brienz- all because of me. I wanted to see the blue again, Preshit obliged but again we reached in evening and the color changed, it was still blue but couldn't capture the blueness on camera. We reached back to our haven in Grindelwald via train.   

Zermatt & Toblerone Mountain

Smruti had told us, rather warned us not to miss on Zermatt. It was on southern side and away from the usual attractions of Interlaken. We had wanted to do some trekking to lakes such as Bachalpsee in First Mountain & Lake Blausee in Interlaken, but most of the tracks were closed & some lakes still covered in snow and so we decided to invest in going all the way south to Zermatt. This village, under the shadow of the famous Matterhorn mountain. The train journey required frequent changes and took 3 hours, we reached this place bustling with ski tourists & got into Gornergratt bahn, this time sitting in the right side. Preshit and I were looking the pics and thought that pretty soon all the images will start to look the same - all are snow mountains - alps after all. There were many options for Glacier 3000 and Matterhorn glacier paradise or something. All of which would have probably taken us to the matterhorn mountain but Smruti had told us the view of the mountain is best from Gorgergrat mountain. We saw our first glimpse of this unique and sharp mountain from the panoramic windows and true it did look majestic, unique yet oddly familiar. 

It was only when we reached the last station and saw stacks of toblerone chocolates that we realized that we have seen this mountain on every Toblerone! Miser that i am i borrowed the wrapper from a guy and posed with it. Honestly thinking that the trip is paisa wasool. We could see a path behind the hotel at the top and so we followed it, not expecting anything apart from the eye level Matterhorn view. But instead we saw what is arguable a better view of Europe than the Florence one - Series of mountains & glaciers -glistening white, some beautiful blue small lakes formed in the lower region. Gornergratt glaciers in particular- looked like vanilla ice cream that has been taken out of the freezer, melted a bit & become smooth at top & then frozen again. Is this why Switzerland is famous for chocolates? Seems to me that inspiration for all - oreos, ice creams , blackforest pastry all must have come from this country.  I kept asking Preshit if he has captured the view, but  can one capture it truly?...we took videos hoping that some of the beauty does get transformed digitally.

Switzerland mountain air

First mountain, Schillthorn Top, Matterhorn – All are so beautiful in the most cliched sense possible. Its easy to understand why rich people have been coming here for the views from all over Europe. Here also, the Rifflesee track had not completely melted and so we skipped the detour and instead went onward to Montreux and Lake Geneva. What a horrible decision! We knew this place was a mistake even before we stepped outside the station and when the landscape changed to vineyards & lowlands. It was pretty no doubt, and some good sculptures along the promenade and the Chillion Castle. But we can get the feel of a beautiful sea-side French town with sculptures & castles almost anywhere, but the Mountain air or the Alpine experience is unique to Switzerland and we may not experience again unless we come back in the same season. We went back almost immediately to Grindelwald to enjoy the sunset against the backdrop of our mountain. In the train, we saw this cute little kid in ski gear along with his parents who was crying. He didn't want to go back and at one point ran outside the train. Parents freaked and ran to get him back. Poor baby. Poor us - we don't want to leave either.

The ever expanding list of travel regrets & future bucket list

On our last day, we didn't take any chances. We could have covered Bern - the city Einstein loved, but

nothing enticed us as we just wanted to go to the mountains. Maybe that was a mistake but instead we decided to try once again to capture the blue waters of Brienz. Packed with all our luggage & after a relaxing breakfast at our hotel we reached Interlaken ost and walked in the town to kill time till the Brienz cruise to take us across the Lake. I finally got my wish, the water looked a different Blue in the morning light. Still different but maybe more similar to the beaches of Cornwall?   

Very happy that we went in April when we could see the Snow capped peaks. I have seen some summer pics there the mountains were bare or covered with green grass and very DDLJ, but coming from Delhi/Mumbai snow peaks are a rarity for both of us. However in order to be able to trek to the Riffelsee and see the reflection of the Matterhorn mountain, see the maddeningly blue Lake Blausee, the quaint Bachalpsee - we will have to go once again in Summer or autumn months when the snow is not there. So yes, it goes into our never ending Wishlist. When I mention this to Preshit he is quick to remind me that we need to go in winter season for skiing as well! 

Its annoying actually, how beautiful this small country is. Swiss …you milky & beautiful country… we will be back again!

Prayer in bad times

I don't get it; but I accept it God. It pains me to see others slide by; even those who are mine. But okay, I accept it. I get the hard way, I will take the hard way.

BUT i need you to be with me the whole time. You can't abandon me giving me all these tough choices.You be with me during every choice, every challenge, every test.

YOU help ME survive.

I can still love you and let you go

I feel like such a bitch. I have so much work to be completed and its 3 am and I have to get up early in meeting tomorrow and face all escalations what’s going on in my mind? The stupid Netflix series 13 reasons why.

And so I need to let this bloody thing go. And the only way it can is when I cleanse it from my system by writing a stupid ass blog about it. So here goes, why I am so obsessed with this not so great series:

The story is about a high school girl- Hannah who commits suicide and leaves 13 tapes to state the reasons why. The girl is so pretty and vivacious and can really act...and the series has a zillion guys all various degrees of good looking and none of them are great actors :) Main guy's name is Clay who is a nerd and can never own up to his feelings for Hannah. And honestly he wouldn't have had any chance with Hannah if so much shit hadn’t happened to her (she was called a slut, ridiculed, bullied, witnessed a rape, witnessed an accidental murder and then actually got raped herself!!!).

Anyhow....I was hooked onto season 1 wherein you see just how much this sweet quiet nerd Clay loved her so much & thought the world of her but he was clueless most of the time. All the tapes and the stores were from her point of view and he felt deeply enough about it to try and take revenge. 

But damn I looooved the second season ...because it showed that she was not a perfect person at all, it showed the story from all the other people's angle ...how they had their own story as well... .

As angry and confused as he is in second season, he still doesn't understand her. Surprisingly the only guy who somehow gets her is the basketball jock Justin (who started the rumor about her being a slut). And so much happens and this Clay sweet guy is even afraid to hold her properly while dancing and keeps missing cues for asking her out or kissing her or even staying with her when she needs him. He loses his shit when he finds out that she kissed someone or slept with someone as he always thought of her as someone who is perfect and is again at a loss to understand why she would do that.

Also, the love story is more drawn out in second season even though she has already dies and there is just single flashback scene between Hannah and clay. But Clay is now hallucinating her and she is now in his thoughts continuously and that somehow shows how much he truly loved her. And even though he doesn't understand her... he is the only one who truly loves her. courageously. But not like as someone who could say that out loud but like if he knew that she likes him or he had a chance he wouldn't care about anyone or anything else. Whereas the other guy she actually ends up sleeping with knew she liked him but still he didn't have the courage to leave his friends and be with her (because he thought she had an image and his friends wouldn't understand) ....

This reminds me of a lot of real life experiences...like actual nice guys have no idea how to be with a woman, or for god's sake at least say it out loud even if not to that woman. And in real life whoever takes the risk gets the reward even if it’s not the best man. Best man may not win but the one who dares does! 

Like all the guys are doing stuff only for the girl that they love. Except for maybe Clay .... but he also goes public with tapes which have real consequences about another girl. So, yeah he is insensitive but strong and persistent about getting justice for his true "love".

Phew... a lot of things reminded me of lot of things...and I remembered I read somewhere a guy can love you, worship you or hate you. But never be able to like you or understand you.

Anyhow... thing is .... the show and the scenes and the songs are stuck in my head and so yeah I gotta flush them out like a bad dinner! so here goes.... My top heartbreaking moments from this series: 

1. Season 1: When Alex (a guy at school comments about Clay's strange behavior): "He is just sad OK... He loved her and she died...just give him a second." So true, can anyone understand that kind of loss?

2. The whole of season 1 he feels so empty and helpless because with each tape he realizes what she must be going through and he really can't take it. How he reacts when he hears her address him as "Helmet" her sweet nick name for him... At beginning even he doesn't realizes how empty he is feeling...of course when he sees her side of story with all the hurt she is feeling he continuously feels like doing the opposite of what he actually did...like comforting her or telling her that he loved her.
8. His actual eulogy... is so powerful.... I listened to it again and again and again...stuff that stayed with me:
x

3. Season 1: Clay's inability to ever express his feelings is the main reason why he is the last guy she ever considers going out with. I mean even when he does make a move she freaks out and asks him to leave the room and he does. Of course he is a good guy. But he is - clueless. So when he hears that part of her actually wanted him to stay in the room even if she was yelling at him to leave he imagines what he should have told her... and finally confesses for the first time out aloud that he = "loved her and doesn't believe any rumor about her and that he isn't leaving now and that he wouldn't ever leave her or hurt her." And when her ghost asks "Why couldn't you say that when I was alive?" He is so shocked that this isn’t really happening he breaks down so sweetly and hugs "her"... again adorable!

4. Season 1: The winter dance for sure. So at first he relives the dance again.... slightly differently...he asks her to dance. When she says you look "adorable"-  he in his thoughts shakes his head in a loving sad smiling nostalgic way and says "There's that word again". And we see in the actual flashback he is super weird about asking her to dance and his response to her "adorable" is "There's that word again" in a smiling and bemused way. It’s such a nice link... I mean it’s like when he imagines some part of his brain knows she is gone and he doesn’t mind being called adorable but in reality when she does call him that he knows that she is using that word instead of saying something straight up like attractive or handsome...

Also, in the imagined flashback he so confidently dances and says to her... "I am full of surprises.... Stick with me." and then suddenly not very sure of himself he asks her: " Can you do that stick with me? " which she answers yes. And in the actual situation, he doesn't put his hand on her hips like everyone else but even after noticing he decides to put it on her waist. SUCH A GOOD GUY. and he says to her "I am full of surprises ..stick with me kid... " and then he is trying to remember what the exact line and asks "stick with me? or stay with me?"...totally fizzles out Misses yet another opportunity to kiss her!! 

But by god the song! it is amazeballs! and kind of sad... :( but amazing and on my repeat never ending playlist ...

5. Season 2: The whole theme of this season is where he keeps finding out about her "sexual" exploits through all the other people's testimonies in court.

So, when he hears about Alex pecking Hannah. He asks Alex... "Did you really kiss her?" and then to the ghost of Hannah he is like "you kissed Justin, Clementine, Alex..." and when she says "I kissed YOU" he impulsively and without breaking for a breath says "Yeah I remember that - Thank You" haha... too cute..

When he hears Ryan (gay friend) saying she sexted Justin: He asks her hallucinating ghost..."yeah you would say to ask Justin... Why do girls like Justin? I mean why did you?" best sulks ever given by a guy. I think maybe I like the actor playing Clay? God he is dumb in real life though.

When he hears about Zach (another baseball jock...) who secretly slept with Hannah the whole summer holidays... With tears in his eyes ...he asks her about it and why she didn't include that in her tapes... and then with a little bit of hope asks "If I had been in town that summer.... Would it have been me instead?"  He is so upset that she freaked out when kissing him but not when she lost her virginity to Zach. 

Side note: even though not my favorite part I did like the awesome fact that he is reminded by Justin (again jock enemy turned friend) that just because Hannah slept with someone doesn't change the person she was to Clay. Isn't that true of real life? This situation specially? suddenly when you hear about someone's private life your whole perception of that person changes even if that person was always good to you you can’t help but judge that.

Clay goes absolutely mad when he hears Bryce Walker's (rapist & main villain) testimony in court. He is again crying in his room... what a wuss but this time he is even more desperately asking Hannah’s ghost to confirm that Bryce is lying. He is so tormented by her memory here. It’s especially emotional. At the same time the hallucination/memory/ghost of Hannah really becomes torture for him whenever he feels helpless .... like he has let her down (he isn’t able to prove in court that she was raped by Bryce or that she was really bullied by all these people) and the rape audio tape keeps playing in his mind again and again through the ghost. His breakdown...is particularly moving...

So, he judges her for sure... even when he is determined to get revenge (he decides to shoot Bryce the rapist) the whole way he keeps asking her ghost/his hallucination what was she doing in the clubhouse with the rapist. He can’t believe it to be true but he can’t let go of the tiny doubt that he has in his mind. The turmoil that is shown so beautifully here. Even with the gun in his hands he keeps hearing Hannah reciting the rape tape and keeps alternating between assuring her that he will make Bryce pay with his life and asking her if she actually had anything to do with Bryce.

Also, towards the end when Justin decides to testify against his former friend Bryce because he raped his girlfriend as well (damn that bastard Bryce) ... Justin says to Clay "there are things about Hannah and me that you don't know... “. At that point Clay looks up to him in such an accusing-wary-afraid of getting hurt- mixed feeling kind of way... 

Thing is ... his insecurity ...his jealousy is very very endearing...and real.

When he tells her he will forget about her. And then says he can’t let her go.

6. Season 2: He is so sweet about Skye- this other girl who (becomes his girlfriend towards end of season 1) is also into suicidal stuff like cutting herself with blades etc. she goes into rehab after he tells her that he still hasn't forgotten about Hannah. So when she tells him that she wants to get better and go to a different school. He is hurt and tells her " You are going to forget me. I am just going to be this one guy you knew one time. It’s so heartbreaking to feel his loneliness in this scene... she replies "Clay, I can still love you and let you go" which he doesn’t understand at that time... but wait for it....my favorite scene...

7. Season 2: His goodbye to Hannah. He doesn’t think he can forgive her for ending her life. and he has to speak at her funeral. His last conversation with the hallucination is pretty sad too... he can’t decide what he is more scared of:

Clay: - The thing I'm most afraid of is forgetting you.

Hannah Hallucination: - Then don't. 

Clay: - The thing I'm second most afraid of is I'll never be able to let you go. 

Hannah Hallucination: - Do you remember the winter dance? Not the slow dance, but that song where we jumped around like idiots and looked like fools. Like absolute dorks. Clay: - Yeah. (smiles) Why? Hannah Hallucination: - No reason. I just wanted you to think of that right now.

"Life is divided into Hannah and After Hannah.......But today we begin to let go.... "

"A good friend once said to me... I can still love you and let you go...So Hannah....I love you & I let you Go....and I miss you…"

God that’s just it isn’t it…he misses her too damn much!! AAarrgh!!! To be in that young stage of love…such a drug! So yeah...that sums up my blogpost... my dear 13 reasons why... I do love you...and miss you...but i sure hope i can let you go after rambling about it for 5 pages!

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