Shambhavi

 Kids are a blessing, Bacche man ke Sacche (kids are honest), Kids are innocent & sinless…Children make your life important!… I know and I have heard of all that and more my whole life- even so when I hear of anyone having kids- my first thought is “Your life is ruined coz you will never be anything anymore in your life.”  It isn’t that I started to hate kids at some point in my life, after all I was once a kid myself and didn’t hate other people my age- I think it’s a behavior or an acquired taste that I could never well ... acquire- liking kids. 

I am the younger child with only one elder sister, so I never had to take care of kids or deal with anyone younger to me, even cousins were mostly my age give or take a few years. We always hung out with family friends in similar situations so – yeah never.

The first time I was thrust upon the responsibility of another tiny human, was in middle school. A young mother told me & my friends to look after her son on his first day of school in the school bus.  Although caught off guard we didn’t hesitate in saying yes – simple enough right? – Wrong! It was a terrible idea! The minute the kid got into the bus he wouldn’t stop crying… we couldn’t understand what he was bawling about… at first we thought it was “ buwaaa maaaa…”- Mother? He vehemently shook his head and screamed louder, this time we thought it sounded like he was asking for --- “Indicaaaa” – Car? You are in bus baba... Three of us took turns and were pretty frustrated by the end of the 45-minute bus ride and were about to give up when a small girl came from the front of the bus towards where we were sitting, smiled and said “I am Chandrika”; the boy stopped crying, dried his own tears and made space for her to sit. I mean honestly… no idea, no respect, no acknowledgement of the kind of time we spent on him! So ungrateful… What rights do kids have? To treat adults like this? AND that’s when it hit me. I am an adult- almost. And this whole kids thing… what a waste! Why would anyone willingly put themselves up to be treated like this for the rest of their lives?

My mum said that the feelings would develop when the time came. I finished college and my friends started getting married and pregnant - left right and center- and I started to lose touch with most of them. Lost to the abyss of motherhood really, in the initial days, I used to gossip about “them-girls” with the “us” girls. But slowly and surely the gossip pool kept getting smaller and it became pretty clear to me that most women secretly/not so secretly know just wanted to be Mother Earth. With the advent of the late 90s came the great Pandora’s box- AKA the internet- I started reading more and more junk articles about women choosing career over marriage and kids and I knew which group I belonged to- well at least there was a group. And so went on with my life as planned, I did have few close brushes with these little monsters– none of which endeared them to me or vice versa. This one time a 4-year-old daughter of my friend’s that I was babysitting - as a huge favor to the awesome time we once had- decided to draw my portrait. I was intrigued and sat still for 5 minutes but whatever I was feeling was short-lived. For in her masterpiece she had very carefully replicated & placed at the exact location each and every pimple /facial mark that I had. This kind of insult, from a creature who could barely eat her own dinner. If anything, these incidents just furthered my distance with kids.

Time didn’t stand still, and pretty soon my own sister had a baby girl. I will be honest, I did my best to avoid being at her place in those initial years, but if ever I got caught maybe once or twice I have changed her diapers. It didn’t alter my thinking though. I saw her grow up even- she learnt to walk, she learnt to say her first few words, her first days at nursery. And while I admitted that my niece was quite cute actually –yes not every child is cute-  she was still a bit of a responsibility that I would soon get tired of. My mom would try her best to evoke some responsibility – if not emotion from me- “You are a Maasi, it means you are like her mother- Behave like one!” 

Then came a day - I had joined a new team, I was given a low level piece of work, I was having a throat infection so wasn’t eating properly and daily there was some or the other issue because of which the commute was just horror. I came back from office and decided to go to my sister’s house. My niece and her next door neighbor friend were running back and forth from one house to another, screaming and destroying everything in their way. I sat down in the drawing room and my sister asked me if I wanted to eat something- while she was in the kitchen, I don’t know what happened to me but I broke down and started crying on her sofa! It was so weird, I was overwhelmed and it became clear that I couldn’t stop so I was about to get up and leave when my niece came towards me and placed her tiny hand on my hand. I looked at her, with her big, suddenly mature eyes, as if she understood without my saying what was happening, a small piece of Parle biscuit in her other hand and a piece of it stuck in the corner of her mouth. I gave out a laugh & said “Its ok dear, am ok.” – But my god, she didn’t blink, she didn’t move her hand, she didn’t change her expression of understanding & empathy. Yes- it wasn’t sympathy- my niece all of 5 years old knew how I felt that day. I have no doubts about it, how else would we have sat there for so long, why else would she have ignored her friend and come and stood there with me? No- I didn’t suddenly find the religion of motherhood that day- but am equally sure that my niece without words consoled me on one of my darkest days.

I am more practiced now, if someone starts talking about their kids I start talking about my niece – and it’s a win-win – either my nieces’ accomplishments will trump their kids’ & if they don’t well then – she isn’t my child so no judgement there; I am I feel at least a little less artificial when dealing with their little ones as well. But most importantly, now more than ever, I spend some quality time with my niece. And not just pretend play but I actually play with her, fair and square win or not win. Tell her if I am bored with dolls and make sure I finish the color sketch she gives me. She is my friend now – I feel the need to grasp these moments when in her innocence I feel cleansed of the worries of the world. In the end the quotes do have the truth in them - “The soul is healed by being with children.”- Fyodor Dostoyevsky.